If X Made Toasters

[Gaunty]

If SAP made toasters

The manual to run the toaster would be approximately 10,000 pages long. The toaster would come with 2,500 switches which would all have to be set in an exact pattern and in a precise sequence in order to toast specific kinds of bread. Each pattern would be established by SAP's experts as the "Best Practices" method of toasting that kind of bread. It would take a team of basis and functional contractors about 1 year to configure the toaster in the best manner and then another 6 months to test it. In the meantime your entire family would need to attend extensive training classes on how to use the new toaster. In order to support end users and consultants, MIT would establish a list-serv for people to post questions and answers regarding toaster set-up and operation. Of course, the online help would randomly pop up in German. But once it was running (if ever...), you'd get the best toast in the world.

If IBM made toasters

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Oracle made toasters

They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters

They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. It's so intuitive to use it comes without any instructions, so you have to visit usenet and buy a few books to find out how to use it.

If Linux made toasters

Anyone could build his own toaster from the spare parts in the garage, but people would still pay money for pre-built toasters. All the parts would be user serviceable, and the design plans would be freely downloadable. Instead of the complexity of having to push a button, you would simply type something like toaster --toast_lightness=Urk --bread_type=0x963939 The toaster would burn your toast by default, but once you enable the don't_burn_my_toast feature in /etc/toaster.conf (as described in the TOASTER-RTFM-HOWTO, which sends you to a least one README file, which in turn sends you to yet more, and at least an hour or two's worth of surfing - you need to get online first) it would toast reliably for years. People who eat Linux toast say that it is better than Windows toast.

And the missing bits...

If Fisher Price made toasters...

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...

Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does DEC still make toasters?...

They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...

They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...

You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters...

They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...

They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...

They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.

If Sun made toasters...

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Tandem made toasters...

You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Price Club made toasters...

They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

If Next made toasters...

They would be the most beautifully designed toasters in the world. Unfortunately, there would be no way to get the bread inside. Ultimately, Next would stop selling toasters and decide instead to make bread that could be used in other toasters.