Kankku off road driving experience...

[motormouth23]

Hi all,

Was given the opportunity to take part in an off road driving day in exchange for an article. So far I have done a first draft (posted below) and would be grateful for any suggestions for improvements or indeed and criticisms you may have.

Thanks

Motormouth

A while ago I was asked who I believed to be the most powerful group in the world. A few names thrown around were Murdoch’s News Corporation, The Coca-Cola Company and, dare I repeat it, Al Qaeda. “Nope, no and definitely not”, I exclaimed, “You’re all wrong; it’s the bloody Greens”. You see the most influential, corrupt and indeed powerful organisation in the world is the Environmentalist movement. Surprised you may be but think about it. When not spending their weekends navigating minefields of sheep poo and mole hills they are riding bicycles, wearing peace beads and recycling their shoes.

In other words they are setting an example. As noble citizens they are building a moral high ground from which they can launch their carbon-free dictatorship. A quick breeze through the internet reveals an extensive network of homosexual vegetarians ready overthrow our oil hunger planet trashing economy. Once in power they will bring modern day civilisation to an abrupt halt. Arabian oil Kings will be murdered, planes will be banned, cars will be cannibalised and our road networks replanted with foreign bush matter.

Oh, you may guffaw now but guess what; signs of this authoritarianism are already emerging. This theory is something Nick Fieldhouse, owner of Kankku off road driving experience, has very little time for. As a self confessed dictator he too believes the world is fragile and as the main inhabitants it’s up to us to treat it with care. However, I can’t help but notice a slight paradox in his reasoning, mainly because whilst explaining this we are rumbling through the quiet lakeside town of Windermere in a bright orange Land Rover Defender.

You don’t have to be a key hole surgeon to work out that such a vehicle is about as atmospherically friendly as a two foot Cuban cigar. But again Nick seems absolutely disinterested in my observations. Some would say he is in denial but maybe Nick is a realist. Struggling to hear the boss over the tremendous noise protruding from just about every orifice in our Land Rover, he tells me he isn’t one of the above mentioned vegetarian homosexuals. He loves his cars, in particular his Land Rovers, but at the same time realizes they should be driven with the environment and surroundings in mind.

A couple of years ago the Environmentalists landed a pretty heft punch to the Kankku operation. Like a cheap low blow they managed to castrate over seventy off road trails surrounding the frankly dramatic Lake Windermere. Tracks so isolated and inhospitable they make Wales seem like a city centre, I too share Nick’s aggravation at their closure. Nonetheless the army of seven orange off roader’s have continued their advance across the remaining mountainous tracks and, as always, would like you to join them.

Which is what I did, and having no off road experience whatsoever was told I would be taking the lead vehicle. I would be heading an expedition of four 4x4’s, one of which belonging to Kankku the other two being privately owned by a pair I shall call the Bling Brothers. Having never actually found out their real names a quick glance towards their Defenders suggests they are men that, given the choice, would have been born with diamond encrusted teeth and Cashmere hair. As a result adorning their bumpers were several grand’s worth of winch equipment, lighting and other accessories of a cool nature.

In the world of off road driving such matters of style are strictly redundant. As we twist and wind our way towards the first of the rocky roads we will tackle Nick explains that when it comes to getting up the steeper inclines they will be stuffed. He goes on to say when tackling uneven surfaces all you really need is a set of proper off road tyres, just about the only thing the Bling Brothers don’t have.

Arriving at a farm gate so narrow Victoria Beckham would struggle to get through it, Nick climbs out and tells me to get into the drivers seat. The first impression is the sheer manliness of the thing. Like the mind of a simpleton everything has a place, a function and a purpose. There is a huge sense of durability, of roughness, of laddish cocking around.

Gear changes are carried out with the sort of aggression usually associated with beating someone to death; the clutch is heavy enough to crush a house and the steering inputted by you, the driver, has about as much influence as the tick you place in the box at a general election. What this means is that you will most probably have a crash and most or at least stall one million times.

However, everything is taken in good humour and Nick and his team are constantly on hand to help improve your driving. Whether its how best to approach a track or how to use the mechanical intelligence of the car to help you find the easiest and, in most cases, unthinkable routes through these lanes they are always there to support you. They also encourage you. Straddling a rock my fellow Kankku driver simply wasn’t giving it enough power. Over the radio it was clear he was a little terrified about the prospect of trashing thirty grand’s worth of Land Rover. “Look”, boomed the instructors voice, “It’s not your own car, not your responsibility. Now, give it some f*****g gas”.

That’s a very good point though. “It’s not your car”, “not your responsibility”. The Bling Brothers were obviously looking at the situation from a slightly different angle. Having parted with many thousands of pounds for their Defenders they seemed a down sight more cautious when it came to “giving it some f*****g gas”. However, one such situation required the driver to do so. Having just done the hill climb myself I fell out of my car and walked to the top of the hill to watch him follow up. Before I could make it to the brow I heard a crack so loud I thought I may have simultaneously broken every bone in my body.

A quick check of my arms and legs showed I was ok however one half of the Bling Brothers fleet was not. The crack turned out to be one of his differentials exploding under the huge amounts of pressure it was subjected to during the climb. Also the fact he was running standard road tyres and that his accessories weighed roughly the same as the moon played a role in his downfall. Nonetheless, the damage rendered his car useless for the rest of the hill section and so found itself parked up on the side of the road looking good but not really going anywhere.

The descent provided a challenge in the field of braking. Trail braking is a technique taught by Kankku and one which I don’t understand in the slightest. What I do know is that it allows the car to travel down pretty much any surface imaginable in a controlled manor. Its something which once mastered drastically improves day to day driving let alone anything you may do off road. Once again I managed to get myself to the bottom pretty much trouble free. Then came the turn of the remaining Bling Brother.

The point at which the back of the car hit the rock and the moment his rear suspension failed are quite hard to define. Again, the sound was so abrupt and cringe worthy we all found ourselves laughing before we really knew what was going on. Needless to say once the dust had settled the damage was clear for all to see. With one half of the Bling Brothers running on rear wheel drive only and the other driving on the piss, our convoy made its way back to Kankku HQ.

Whilst on the ferry crossing I began to think that maybe the greens are right. Lake Windermere is so mysteriously beautiful I can understand the need and the want to protect it. But then I thought back through our day and in particular the care Nick and his team had made so not to damage any of the surroundings. In fact the only real damage done was of that to the Brothers of Bling.

Sadly I don’t think this is an argument the greens will be interested in. By now they have made up their minds and stage one of the revolution is underway. Therefore the only solution is to immediately book yourself onto a Kankku experience day before it’s too late. Just don’t be like the Bling Brothers and bring you own car. After all, what can be cooler than driving a bright orange Land Rover Defender?