Not your typical parent v child problem

[Booster]

As per all the above, sorry to hear this Chris. Fingers crossed she can rise above the idiots.

[NewNiceMrMe]

Secrets are dirty things, I think he should be told and Mum thinks he shouldn't. I cite the example that he's at home and we're out, and that he needs to know should there be a issue or friction (which there always is between brother and sister). Wife thinks it serves no purpose and will only lead to him wanting to roam the streets hunting with a baseball bat.

I can see her point Chri5. When I was 17 I discovered that my 12 year old sister was being harassed by a 16 year old lad every day on her way home from school. She was in floods of tears.

So, as big brothers do, I waited en route and watched her approach as he ran around her, flicked her hair, tried nicking her school bag and shouted abuse at her.

Then I popped out from nowhere and panelled the little f*cker to within seconds of his last breath. Seeing your loved ones picked on has a strange effect on you. I was raging and I'd normally be very controlled with aggression. His big brother then came looking for me (actually knocked on our door) and I had to be dragged off that mouthy scrote too.

Not big, not clever and could have had serious consequences (one of them spent a week in hospital so it could have been very serious for me). However, the police were very helpful and knew them well, so I was given the winks and nudges about provocation etc and in the end they didn't press charges. My sister never got picked on by anyone again though.

The point being - it's probably best he doesn't know because today is a rather age with the bullying being in cyberspace - and everyone seems able to take you to court for even glancing at them with a 'you'd better stop that now' look.

[NewNiceMrMe]

By the way, those two scrotes are no longer of this world. They collided head on with a brick wall near Scarborough about 4 years later - in a twocked Renault 5 GT Turbo.

I can't say I sat and cried.

[Scotty]

I've been reading this thread and haven't known what to say.

I truly hope that now this demon is out in the open and help is at hand that good progress can be made and this can be resolved. I hope you'll look back together and realise how fortunate she was and that unearthing this issue was ultimately a really good thing to happen.

I wish you all well.

[Arch]

Just read whole thread. ****. I hope everything works out ok. Can't imagine what this has been like to go through, fills me with fear and dread. I've lost so many of my family, I'd fall apart if anything happened to one of children. They're my life.

All the best.

[Cuprabob]

I don't have kids and cannot begin to imagine what you and you're family are going through.

I hope everything turns out for the best

[saab]

Good luck Chris - a terrible situation, I can't imagine what you and your wife and daughter must be going through.

[cruiser647]

By the way, those two scrotes are no longer of this world. They collided head on with a brick wall near Scarborough about 4 years later - in a twocked Renault 5 GT Turbo.

I can't say I sat and cried.

You could aslo say, they didn't learn their lesson the hard way and just turned to someone else with lesser protection. But, it's out of your immediate area and you and yours were fine.

It's a double edged sword when it comes to telling other family members.

I'd want to tell him, so he knows. If he finds out any other way, then he'd be more angry and upset for all sorts of reasons.

[stooH]

Only just seen this thread and read it with horror. I really hope everything works out ok for your daughter in the long term, mines only 5 and I already find myself worrying about all the stuff she'll have to go through as she grows up, to be experiencing it and not be able to actively do something about it such as confront the people must be tough but as others have said is probably the right thing, my only concern would be if they don't know what result their actions caused this time what's to stop them continuing it in future?

Given me more cause for thought now, thankfully my son (7) doesn't seem interested or even know about facebook but I know someone else in our extended family is on it at 8 years old! Seems to be a lot more to look out for as parents these days but one tiny upside from you posting this is that it means the rest of us are properly aware of this kind of thing (which we may have ignored in the past) and will maybe allow us to keep an eye out for anything similar.

Best wishes to you all

[Calm Chris]

She has had 12 or so counselling visits, and they say she is getting over her emotional issue.

Due to patient confidentiality we here very very little from them, even to the point that we are not allowed to talk to the nominated counsellor direct. We have to use an intermediary.

The system sucks.

Theres been months of walking on egg shells and I'm getting the hump. The reason is that although she is not suicidal she has started to self harm. Started to withdraw and when asked about her well being, her feelings and emotions she simply says that she discusses that direct with her counsellor and refuses to discuss it with us.

Frustrating since she won't tell us much and neither will the counselling services, other than that they feel a general improvement is being made.

I was stupid enough to look at her pc earlier in the week and what I discovered made me physically sick. She has a self harm blog, and the pictures were not pretty.

The blog also implied that she is having sex, smoking and has a stock of paracentamol ready for the next time. When I discussed this with the intermediary they virtually accused me of breaking trust and doing something naughty.

I told him to feck off and listen. He listened, and ignored every request I made for more sessions, more focus and more action. When I suggested they might want to review her blog he then suggested that would be crossing some sort of line and that the service they give is not allow to be invasive. They are in the business of getting her to tell them, not them finding out and using evidence of actions as part of the fix process.

I won't allow their system to lag behind the well fair of my daughter.

Does anyone here have any first hand knowledge of SH counselling services?

[Calm Chris]

One picture, please don't open it if you are squeamish- it's in our bathroom so I know it's her.

[Calm Chris]

And if anyone knows of a decent covert pc monitoring software, please pm the details.

I cant deny her net use, and maybe its best if I see what she is getting up to (since she won't tell us) via covert methods.

[m4ttm4son]

It's not what you want to hear and you'll say "You're not a parent so you don't undertand" which is true, but the best course of action is a passive one IMO. As I think I've said previously, I have a few friends with suicide and self-harm issues and they have come through it via support from professionals and friends. Self harm is a horrible thing and I still feel squeamish when I see their arms, but mostly it's just scratches to feel the pain, not deep cuts for damage.

Have you/ your wife received any counseling on it? Have you been on any forums for other parents in the same situation?

[Tipex]

Yikes, doesn't look like they've made any progress whatsoever to me, I'm afraid I'd be at the bull in a china shop stage by now, and would probably have been arrested for punching the patronising tw*ts at the counselling place in the face.

I'm sure no one will agree with me, and its probably the wrong thing to do, but I don't do softly softly, her Internet would be switched off immediately upon discovering that, as would any mobile phones or anything else that has online connectivity, she'd probably also be getting the mother of all tellings off, and grounded for years.

Really sad to hear of all this.

[Tipex]

Just to add, she's only 15, surely you have the right to know what's going on, your her legal guardian and she's not an adult?

[Calm Chris]

Just to add, she's only 15, surely you have the right to know what's going on, your her legal guardian and she's not an adult?

Conselling is voluntary between her and the service, we have no rights as parents. The service is based on trust and as such that means anything discussed is patient confidential.

Mat, we have had one session with our consellor. Patronising fecker, typical sandals and beard, single and absolutely no clue other than what he has read in books.

I have found someone that recommends a private psychologist, a specialist in self esteem and will be seeing them for a discussion next week. I also intend to present the blog and it's full contents to both our GP and the counselling services next week.

They may well be jaded, see it all before types and it is my duty to make sure they are pushed as hard as I can it to understanding the full extent of the problems in the current physical sense that exists.

I have done days of reading on the subject, there's lots of net type resource and although the problem is unique to my daughter from my eyes it is quite common. Emo wasn't a word I really understood, but SH get tagged as emo and the suggestion is that around 200,000 kids SH.

Well I'm sorry, but I don't give a shite about 199,999 of them. Fortunately we have the resources to cover any viable method of treatment in the private sector. If necessary we will seeking some form of residential workshop over the summer break. Better still it might well be a family thing, I don't want or expect any cure to her low self esteem to be a wholly push on to others type event.

Sadly I have to accept that maybe I have failed my daughter, and could be a part of her problems- even if the blog states the cause as abusive boyfirend and issues with so called friends face to face and via media sites.

I should have known, I didn't. Now I do, it's time for Dad to either resolve or act as a catalyst to help resolve.

[cruiser647]

Sh1t.

Not sure what to suggest.

With the SH going on, perhaps a holiday with no internet access to somewhere hot. Perhaps having to be outside or doing snorkelling/scuba with flesh showing will 'embarass' her about the cuts? And she'll see the errors? Perhaps new faces on holiday will help?

I don't know.

[theduisbergkid]

Christ, this is terrible, I am so sorry for you Chri5.

I've got 3 kids, but can't give any professional advice, just my thoughts on what is a horrible situation. The Social Services guy might seem like a useless cretin to you (and probably is) but you can't rock the boat, she isn't talking to you, and must have someone she feels she can trust. If she doesn't have this guy to talk to she might feel even more alone. I'm sure you've thought of everything but I'd want to take her away on holiday, just the two of you, doing something you might both enjoy. Make it clear that you don't want to talk about her, just have a good time together, she'll open up if/when she's ready. The more pressure you put on her/the system, the less likely she is to talk to you, you have to 'pull' not 'push', if that makes sense. Feel free to ignore all of this, none of us can imagine what you're going through, I hope that things get better for you all. Time is a great healer so hang in there.

[NewNiceMrMe]

I've been observing the latest developments in this thread but don't feel at all qualified to comment on what your next course of action should be Chri5. I say that as a parent too, because I really don't know what I'd do next. So all I really want to say is I hope the situation resolves itself as quickly and as well as possible for you and yours.

[Waylander]

I felt exactly the same as MrMe when I read this.

It really depresses and I confess frightens me a little about what may be round the corner with respect to my children.

[stooH]

Can only wish you all the best and hope to god I never have to experience what you're going through. I'd also say that Tipex's possible approach is probably the worst idea going but hopefully you've already realised that

I would have thought that going down the private psychologsist/psychiatrist approach is a good one as you'll be able to find one that hopefully is a parent and to which you can relate, the issue I suspect you'll have is convincing your daughter to go along. Good luck.

[Tipex]

I'd also say that Tipex's possible approach is probably the worst idea going but hopefully you've already realised that

Oh Christ yes, I wasn't suggesting it to be the course of action, just being brutally honest about the course of action I would probably take, mainly so he can feel slightly better about the course of action he's taken already, as mine would undoubtedly only make things worse.

I just don't think I would be able to control myself, so huge respect for being able to!

[stooH]

I know, and I tried to pick my words carefully to not imply it was a suggestion

[Calm Chris]

Well its been 5 weeks.

She has doubled up her counselling visits to twice a week. She had a minor relapse about 4 weeks ago and after that we sat in a room and refused to let her do anything until she explained her reasons.

Her reasoning was based on being frustrated with other folks behavior, which is no reason at all. Once again I reiterated that at 15 she needs to learn the differences between family, true friends and simple acquaintance. She also needs to understand that confidences should not be given loosely and that she has to wait for friends to deserve being part of her inner circle.

We have no access to her counselor since the CALMS service have to abide by the rules of patient v counselor confidentiality, we see a third party counselor twice a month to talk over our issues which is a absolute waste of time.

The general feeling is that she is in a better place, and has been improving.

In the meantime we have done a few things to help the family unit bond back and most appear to have been worthy distractions

• New family pet that she is in charge of feeding and general upkeep
  
• Mum and her travel to Orlando next weekend for 10 days of Harry Potter etc (Mum daughter bonding), the fact that she will be somewhere hot (thus exposing body by pools) was a fulcrum to stop her hurting herself
  
• Agreement that net is restricted
  
• Agreement that everyone else is stupid, and not take the actions of idiots to heart
  
• 4-6 hours of work a week over the summer at the local animal sanctuary, unpaid but Daddy will pay her something
  
• She is now on the pill, not for unwanted pregnancy contraception, but to stabilize her period, the pain that goes with her monthly and help lift her mood swings
  
• Forcing the family out as a group every Sunday (Go Ape last week, Coast the week before, Covent Garden the week before that etc)
  
• Exercise routine to wear her down which has helped her sleep, she had been blaming her poor sleep pattern of 4 hours a night max on the moods. Most nights she now sleeps 7-8 hours
  
• Doctors private consult to discuss skin damage and repair.
  

Shock horror she was wearing shorts and a crop top last night, openly! There appears to be no major scarring cause by her self harming. Hopefully the fact that she hasn't damaged herself beyond natural repairing will help her avoid SH in the future.

Slow, gently progress, but progress is good at any speed.

The CALMS people have a appointment next month with us, them and the medical team. The suggestion (which I have countered already) was to introduce mood stabilizers and put her on a medication. I have strongly suggested that should be an absolute last resort.

I have asked that they consider neurological testing first. Although I don't know the full ins and outs I have heard that various imbalances including a lack of serotonin are a primary cause of mood fluctuation.

At school she has still managed to be best year pupil, her report was all 1-1's accept RE (2-2), she is still in the best sets and is considered A* She has just finish 5 GCSE'S (3 full, 2 part A) a year before most take them. In total she has 13 subjects.

It is odd that she is so smart, feeling no pressure academically and yet when it comes to the normal side of life (social, friends etc) she struggles- or being more positive, did struggle.

I'll not likely update this post again, it sort of gives me a feeling of airing dirty washing. I would like to thank you for your support.

[Tipex]

Glad to hear things are seemingly heading in the right direction.

Taking some of her GCSE's early will reduce the pressure on her next year massively, which can only help.

I think once she's left school, things will probably start turning around a lot faster (if she's not 100% by then anyway).

As it seems the only place in the world where it's 'cool' to be stupid, and you get picked on if you're clever, is school, once you leave, and you realise who your real friends are, and make friends with more like minded people, rather than ones you have no choice about sitting next to, life gets much better!