America's Circle, err, Tri-Oval Jerk

[SeanKHotay]

Daytonuh, Floraduh, Ameri'causejustbecause, just another sunny day -

The self-marketed "Americas Race", the Daytona 500, ran this weekend and it <yawn> was almost <whoa> business as usual.

A redneck got pissed, cars swapped paint, siblings swapped spit after taking umbrage over the other's favorite driver, horrific crashes were on display to the audiences delight, pisswater beer and chewing tobacco were consumed, sponsor's money for erectile dysfunction, male enhancement, and incontinence was well spent on the target audience...nothing new here.

The race features non-stock stock cars equipped with the patented Fly-Away sheet metal, drivers with more than two first names, and the 190-and-some-odd "Showing of the sponsors" parade followed by the waving of the yellow flag, a key event initiated by and symbolic of the 500,000th onsite beer sale. The penultimate event is the less-than-10 lap sprint to the finish, won by someone other than the fastest car on the track.

The surprise came when, by the fourth lap of the penultimate stage in a veritable swill swilling frenzy, another 500,000 beers were sold requiring, by NASCAR RULZ!!!, that another yellow flag be waved, symbolic of the collapse of the collective excretory system.

And that smug, pissy jerk Jeff Gordon got to take the checkered flag.

Justice was served, though, when Lil' Jeffy showed to the assembled literati that he could not execute a victory donut if his victory dance depended on it.

Created in 1959 by NASCAR uberlord Bill France to keep early Spring Breakers from running over his sand castles, the Daytona 500 was ironically borne from the beach drags which local Daytonians created to keep inland and -bred vacationers from erecting rude monuments in the beach sand.

And, just like F1's uberlord Ecclestone, nobody likes France.

[SlickDizzy]

Actually, Jeff Gordon is the only NASCAR driver out there that has talent. I dunno if you Brits have seen it but there was a TV special called "Trading Paint" where Gordon and JP Montoya switched cars, and Gordon was quite fast. He's also been rumored to have been offered F1 drives in the past.

I can't believe I'm getting so bent out of shape about a motorsport I don't like, but contrary to popular belief, NASCAR does indeed take skill. The cars have horrid suspensions that are based on a design from the 60's, crappy aerodynamics, dated bias-ply tires, pushrod V8 engines that have been around for millenia, and silly long-throw manual gearboxes. It would probably be quite fun, actually, and I don't think all the drivers are redneck hillbillies who can't drive (though, quite honestly, a few are).

However, I don't like NASCAR because:

A: It's not fun to watch, even in person

B: The money spent running a NASCAR in a season could be better put to use in Formula 3000

C: There's nothing technically special or innovative about NASCARs that makes the cars interesting

D: Whenever someone sees me reading a magazine or taking about racing, NASCAR or the Daytona 500 is immediately brought into the conversation

Okay, sorry for twisting your little joke way out of recognition, so here's one for you:

If NASCAR ran dog-tail-chasing they'd...

A) Turn a fun event in the short term into a four hour production so the sponsors on the side of the dog's butt could get more TV time.

B) Find an over weight dog with undersized feet that can't acclerate, turn, or brake and call it a race dog.

C) The dog would have to be a coon hound.

D) They'd throw a caution flag every 10 laps so the dog could catch it's breath and get a drink of water without it's tail getting too far ahead.

E) They'd interview the 30th place tail after the race who was soundly beaten and gnawed at by the winning dog and it'd say they were really fast but just didn't get any breaks and they're looking forward to the next time the dog chases them.

F) They'd interview the dog after the race and he'd sound more intelligent than its driver.

[carfiend]

I know I couldn't drive in Nascar... I could get dizzy going round and round in circles all day